Thursday, June 16, 2011

Captain Kirk boldly goes where every man has gone before

Canadian genius (holds status at all Toronto Apple stores) /actor/producer theologist/ all-around swell guy and former neighbor to a friend he called "Boner," Kirk Cameron, held a press conference on the steps of his palatial estate to refute the statements of quantum physicist (and some my say also a genius) Stephen Hawking. Cameron deemed Heaven to actually, physically exist in the sky. To show what Heaven might look like, he displayed to the lone reporter a diorama that includes a pearly gate made of toothpicks glued on cotton balls placed in front of a Papa Smurf action figure. When asked why he thinks he knows more about the universe than Hawking, Cameron just pointed at his Canadian Oscars on the mantle behind him and smiled.

Cameron also added that legendary scientist Isaac Newton was addicted to a hallucanagenic chemical found in a rare fig tree and that gravity is indeed “hogwash.” To prove it he plans on dropping his Alan Thicke vinyl albums off the roof of his house at the same time as a stack of Teen Beat magazines with him on the cover. Cameron is sure that God will aid in lowering the music of his friend and former TV father Alan Thicke (legitimate Canadian genius) down to the ground first. “God has already lifted my career up to make it light as air and I’m sure he’ll drop Alan’s music like a stone, or should I say stabone.”

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